Gym Attire and Why Yours is Wrong

I have a lot of thoughts about the gym. Actually, I would say that if I’m being honest, my judgments thoughts are geared more towards the gym-goers. I have thoughts on the guttural noises they make. I have thoughts on their training methodology. I have thoughts on their hygiene or more often, lack thereof. Right now, though, I would like to focus solely on gym-goers and their choices of attire.

Seeing as I joined a gym four (4) whole months ago, my tenure obviously makes me amply qualified to judge comment on this realm of fashion. For the remainder of this post, the gym-goer shall be referred to as GG. Here are some of the main offenders in no particular order:

  • The GG that wears a shirt to the gym that has another gym’s logo on it. This is the equivalent of wearing a Harvard sweatshirt while attending classes at Yale. Someone’s definitely going to give you a swirly.
  • The GG that weight-trains in huge neon yellow, zebra-striped harem pants. I do not understand the function of these. I do not understand their ostentatious pattern. I do not understand where you even purchase such atrocities.

  • The GG that barely wears anything at all. Pssst… I can see your hooters and/or your Netherworld and I didn’t ask to. If you are this GG and you are male, nobody (and I mean nobody) of either gender takes notice of you in a flattering way. If anyone is looking at you, it is most likely that they are waiting for the right time to snap an Instagram and plaster it all over social media with a caption that reads, “I can see this guy’s junk and it ain’t pretty.”

    If you are this GG and you are female, (wo)men may come on to you but they are most likely married and going through a mid-life crisis or a minor and going through puberty. Other normally-clad women will find ways to inauspiciously throw metal-tipped darts at your boobies in hopes of popping the silicone. And yes, every woman carries metal-tipped darts to the gym. They are right next to the deodorant in our gym bags.

  • The GG that wears yoga attire even when they aren’t taking a yoga class. We get it. You shop at Whole Foods. You are flexible and make love not war. You can stand on one foot for inordinately long periods of time while breathing deeply. But can you lift this dumbbell that I’m about to throw at your head? Can you do the elliptical to the beat of any Chris Brown song without falling off? Put that in your downward dog and smoke it.
  • The GG that wears new, coordinating designer brand ensembles. This tells the world that you spend more time shopping for your gym clothes than you do actually going to the gym. And that tells the world that you are spoiled. And that makes the world not like you. Come to think of it, you look awfully familiar… And I could swear I’ve seen your vagina getting out of a car before… Paris Hilton, what are you doing at my gym?

Some additional words of advice on the topic:

  • You do not need to wear a fanny pack.
  • You do not need to wear a belt that has holsters for water bottles.
  • You do not need to wear a visor indoors.
  • You do not need to wear leg warmers.
  • You do not need to wear a sports bra if you are a man.

Now if I’m missing anything feel free to comment and let me know. Additionally, if you are one of the aforementioned offending GG’s and you genuinely seek counsel on the proper attire, also feel free to comment and I will guide you in the direction of being completely inconspicuous at the gym. As always,





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